Starting Again, or The ENFP SAHM

In the three years since I gave up this little blog, Pinterest has come on the scene and mommy bloggers have gone wild. I have been loathe to add my voice to the world out there, but sometimes I need to type out loud something a tad longer than a Facebook status--and my extroverted self wouldn't mind sharing it with whomever happens to see this.

SO. Today.

I have a wonderful, charming 21 month old boy. He is the love of my life.  I count myself wildly lucky that I can stay home to be with him for all his little developments in life. It's what I wanted and I am honored to do it.

But I am profoundly lonely. I do not enjoy keeping house. Crafting and decorating and do it yourselfing overwhelm me so easily. I can't keep a schedule or develop menus. I am terrible at holding myself accountable to a diet or any kind of regimen. Unless there is someone else around me, I fall apart. Sometimes I wish I could just ask someone to come over and sit on my couch to talk to me while I clean my kitchen. But who asks for that? I am about 70% onboard with the polygamy concept. Somebody please give me a sister wife.

I clean, and play with my boy, and serve in church, and sing, and do lots and lots of other things. But I cannot shake the cloud that descends when I haven't spoken to anyone in a few hours. And scheduling the things that would help--dates with friends, etc. becomes another one of those insurmountable tasks. And then I eat something to feel better, and that just adds to the mess.

I am embarrassed to ask for what I need--people to come over and hang out. If anyone out there, especially extroverted ENFPs like me, feels the same way--know that you aren't the only one feeling that way.

Now to tackle those dishes...

Mary Oliver

It turns out that I am one of those people you ought not to lend books to because they don't come back. I feel badly about this, and it may become one of those New Year's resolutions I may attempt in 2012.

Dear David lent me a volume of Mary Oliver's poems, and didn't get it back for almost 3 months. I devoured poor Mary in my customary manner, wiping tears away at work and trying not to look ridiculous. I don't know how I never knew about her, but no matter. I know now. I will never meet her in this life, but I hope to in the next--I fantasize that we could be friends, talking about dogs and snakes. I bet she'd get along swimmingly with Willa Cather.

I got to hear Mary Oliver read some of her poems on a radio program last night, and fell in love afresh. She read this poem about her dog, Percy:

Our new dog, named for the beloved poet,
ate a book which unfortunately we had
left unguarded.
Fortunately, it was the Bhagavad Gita,
of which many copies are available.
Every day now, as Percy grows
into the beauty of his life, we touch
his wild, curly head and say,

"Oh, wisest of little dogs."

My Favorite Cars

My sister has a thing for cars--I don't know when that developed, but she has this vast knowledge of cars, especially muscle cars. I know only one thing about the kind of cars I like: they've got boobs and hips.

Upon learning this, my husband alerted me to the mammarian marvel that is the 1963 Corvette Stingray, and it's now my favorite car. If I could get my hands on one and upgrade it to have all the latest safety hoo ha's and electric lah di dah's I would become the type of person who goes for a drive just for kicks. It may not happen in this life. Will I get a chance in the next? Is there an autobahn in heaven for car enthusiasts? Geez, I've never even been in one...maybe I'll start making New Year's resolutions next year and get behind the seat of a Stingray at least once.

Light and Shadow

Saw this on National Geographic's website--it's a photograph of a sand dune in Namibia. That orange bit there is not a sky, it's the evening light hitting a whopping big sand dune. I have never been interested in learning photography, but images like this make me glad that someone else is working to be in the right place at the right time with the right skills to capture something so intriguing. What a gift to have been born in the age of the internet--I'm dumbfounded at the huge volume of human achievement that is now so readily accessible.

Happy Tears

I've only recently begun to experience the phenomenon of crying for happiness. I heard about it as a child, but didn't know how feeling joy could make one cry--they seemed so incompatible. And then one day a couple years ago it walked up and hit me, at the dolphin show in Six Flags of all places. Seeing the trainers and dolphins playing together struck something deep inside me and I began to cry uncontrollably, leaving my husband at a loss to know what to do with me. I hardly knew what was going on myself. It's happened since then many times when I've witnessed communication and cooperation between humans and animals, especially when they're having fun together.

It brought into relief the intensely loving relationships I've had with my own animals, and makes me wonder what my menagerie might look like in the next life. Big, is all I know now for sure. Does God have a dog? Do they play across the cosmos?

Introduction, such as it is...

"...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Joseph Smith included this little line when writing to a reporter the truncated version of who Mormons are and what they believe. I learned this and many other verses by rote as a child and in the years since have found new meaning in those phrases and scriptures, often by surprise.

I am creating this space because I have a strong appetite for beauty. I tend to devour life, often swallowing whole swaths of rubbish to find a bite of divinity. (Literal or figurative. I LOVE divinity.) My appetites often get me in trouble, and I want to create a place for myself where I can fill up, up, up with unadulterated goodness and leave with no regret. All of the flavor, none of the calories.

The things that come to mind for this collection: new words and phrases I've discovered, songs, recipes, pictures of this life, dreams and wonderings about the next, new insights into old ideas, travel treasures, witty people, and the inevitable despairing monologues as I come to pull myself back together from whatever has knocked me off my wall.

No promises about anything, and I shall enjoy my anonymity for as long as I can. If you find me and want to add something to my collection, you are quite welcome.